


Why Sues Have No Place as Titans

by ElvenQueen18



Series: Silly Titans [1]
Category: Teen Titans (Animated Series)
Genre: Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Humor, Mary Sue Bashing, Parody, Robin/Starfire and Jericho/Kole are present but not a focus, Written in 2010
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:40:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27403660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElvenQueen18/pseuds/ElvenQueen18
Summary: Takes place after "Titans Together." The Teen Titans and some of the honorary Titans have discovered a strange book. What happens when it turns out to be a Robin/OC Mary Sue fic? Why, absolute chaos, of course.
Series: Silly Titans [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2001988
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	1. The Doom Has Come

**Author's Note:**

> This Mary Sue parody is based off of crazyroninchic's "Never Leave Fanfiction Lying Around" (a hilariously AWESOME read!) on FFNet, as well as other fics like it.

It was a little over a week since the Brotherhood of Evil was defeated. Most of the Titans had gone back to their respective homes, but Jinx, Kid Flash, Kole, and Jericho were still staying at Titans' Tower for the time being.

"What is this?" Raven asked one morning in the middle of breakfast. She was holding something in her hands.

"Uh...a book?" Beast Boy suggested, a bit warily.

He had good reason to be. The book was a bright shade of pink and covered with pink heart-shaped stickers.

Everyone stared at the book as Raven continued. "I found it in my room. I don't know how it got there, but there doesn't seem to be any dark magic in it..."

"Dark magic or not, we're burning that book," Robin said suddenly.

Kid Flash laughed. "Yeah, nothing good can come from that much pink."

"What's wrong with pink?" Jinx wanted to know.

"It's only a color," Kole added.

 _"I don't like pink,"_ Jericho signed. Eight pairs of eyes looked at the mute boy strangely; Kole in particular looked rather miffed. _"What?"_

"If we are going to do the burning of the book," Starfire said after an awkward pause, "perhaps we should read it first to find out what it contains."

"Let me see that, Raven," Cyborg said. Raven gave the half robot the book. He opened it and quickly skimmed the first few pages.

Cyborg snickered. "Robin, you better hope this is a girl for your sake."

The Boy Wonder felt a sinking sensation in his stomach. This book did not have anything good for him, he was sure of it.

Beast Boy took a peek at the book, and let out a short laugh. "Dudes, we're SO reading this!"

Kid Flash grinned, ignoring the glare Robin was giving him. "All in favor of reading it, say, 'Aye.'"

"Aye!" the others (not including Robin) chorused, with the exception of Jericho, who nodded. Hey, it wasn't everyday one got to see the leader of the Teen Titans embarrassed.

"Not you, too!" Robin complained to Starfire. The Tamaranean's face reddened as she smiled sheepishly.

A few minutes later, the nine Titans were in the living room. Robin, Starfire, Beast Boy, Raven, Cyborg, Kid Flash, Jericho, and Kole were all sitting on the couch, and Jinx was sitting on a chair in front of them with the pink book in her hands.

"Everyone will have to read a chapter," Jinx said.

 _"Uh, hello? Aren't you forgetting something?"_ Jericho asked. He pointed at his throat.

Jinx rolled her eyes. "Fine, everyone but Jericho will have to read."

Robin scowled at Jericho. He just looked on innocently.

"But won't some chapters be longer than others?" Cyborg wanted to know.

Jinx shrugged. "If the chapter gets obscenely long, the person currently reading can give the book to the next reader."

"And what if it's just obscene?" Kid Flash asked, grinning.

Jinx shot him a dirty look. She then addressed the group as a whole. "Any more questions? No? Good." She opened the book and started to read.

_A New Titan_

_By RobinLuvver34_

"This is starting to sound like a Mary Sue," Raven interrupted, her eyes widening slightly.

"A Mary what?" Beast Boy asked.

"A Mary Sue," Raven repeated. "The annoyingly perfect girl who becomes a Titan and sleeps with Robin. Or Beast Boy." She grimaced. "Or sometimes both."

"I do not believe we should continue!" Starfire exclaimed, not liking the idea of Robin with another girl, even if said girl technically didn't exist.

"Now you side with me," Robin muttered.

"Will all of you shut up?" Jinx snapped.

_Once there was a seventeen-year-old girl who was the most beautiful girl to ever exist._

Raven shifted in her seat, mumbling something about how her Sue senses were tingling already.

_She had wavy chocolate brown hair_

"So her hair's edible, then?" Beast Boy joked. No one laughed.

_that fell to the middle of her back, and her green eyes were like a pair of bright, piercing emeralds. Her skin was a creamy white, and she was very slender and very curvy. Her hands were smooth, slim, and altogether flawless._

"Jeeze!" Jinx exclaimed in frustration. "This girl spends about five paragraphs going on and on about exactly how pretty she is!"

"Mary Sues love to describe their supposed unmatched beauty," Raven said.

_The girl went by the name Angel, and although she was Slade's daughter,_

_"No, no, no, no, NO!"_ Jericho burst out. The others stared at him. Jericho had jumped out of his seat and was now glaring at the book as though it had seriously offended him.

"Jericho, what's wrong?" Kole asked.

 _"I never had an older sister!"_ he signed furiously. _"Unless there's something Dad's not telling me! Then again, he didn't tell me a lot of things, so maybe I shouldn't be surprised."_

There was a short pause after Jericho stopped his little rant.

Robin, who was looking at Jericho with his eyes narrowed, was the first to speak. "Wait a minute-are you saying Slade's your _father_? And you didn't say anything?"

 _"Damn it!"_ Jericho cursed. _"This story has me swearing and revealing secrets. This isn't good."_

"Are you done?" Jinx asked. "I'd like to get this over with as soon as possible."

_she did not want to follow in her father's footsteps by becoming a villain. She wanted to be a hero._

_"That's_ my _thing!"_ Jericho complained. _"Doesn't she have any originality?"_

"Dude, are you gonna blow a gasket every time Slade's mentioned?" Beast Boy asked.

"And Mary Sues," Raven added, "can't be original to save their lives."

_Specifically a Titan._

"We will never allow you to join us!" Starfire shouted at the book, as though Angel could somehow hear her.

_In fact, Angel was on her way to Jump City right now for that very purpose: to join the Teen Titans as its sixth member._

"Like Starfire said, we wouldn't let you on the team!" Robin exclaimed. "And you're not coming within a hundred miles of me!"

"That's the end of the chapter," Jinx announced, ignoring Robin outburst. "Who wants to read next?"

No answer. Apparently, everyone was determined NOT to read.

Finally, Jinx tossed the book at Kid Flash and it landed in his lap.

"Thanks for volunteering, Kid Flash," Jinx said in a cheery voice, getting up from the chair.

Kid Flash groaned, looking like the book had burned him. It probably did, but that was beside the point.


	2. Defying Logic and Starfire Bashing

_When Angel made it to Jump City, she found the Titans fighting a huge slime monster. And they were losing. Badly._

"Yeah right!" Cyborg snorted.

"We've faced Slade, Trigon, and the Brotherhood of Evil," Robin said. "Compared to them, a giant oozing monster would be easy."

_Angel sighed before running toward the monster, which took practically no time at all, thanks to her ability to run faster than the speed of light._

"Wait, what?" Kid Flash interrupted himself, rereading the line to make sure he had read it right. "'Faster than the speed of light'? There's nothing faster than the speed of light! I should know!"

"Kid Flash, she's a Sue," Jinx reminded him. "She defies logic."

_She proceeded to destroy the monster with her mad martial arts skills._

"Mad martial arts skills?" Beast Boy repeated, looking as if he didn't know whether to laugh or not.

_Angel dusted herself off and made sure her perfect hair was still perfect before she approached the Titans, who were standing off to the side._

_Raven, Beast Boy, and Cyborg were staring at her in awe (and also with more than a little interest in the case of the latter two, much to Angel's embarrassment, who was rather uncomfortable with guys checking her out),_

"I'm sure you are," Raven muttered sarcastically.

_and Robin was love struck at the sight of her._

That sinking feeling Robin had had when he first saw the book returned with full force. He watched Starfire out of the corner of his eye, hoping she wouldn't be _too_ mad at what was likely to be written next.

_He was overwhelmed by the beautiful girl standing before him, with her flowing brown locks and deep emerald eyes. Robin could not think of anyone who could even begin to compare to her beauty._

Beast Boy, Cyborg, Kid Flash, and Jinx erupted in peals of laughter at the cheesiness of those two sentences. Kole was trying to pass her snickers off as a coughing fit, Jericho was giggling silently, and even Raven couldn't conceal a spark of humor in her eyes.

Robin and Starfire were the only ones who didn't find anything funny about the situation.

"Do not dare to fall for this fictitious female!" Starfire yelled at Robin over the laughter, glaring at him.

"Hey, I don't like this any more than you do!" Robin said defensively.

When the laughing began to die down, Kid Flash continued to read.

_Starfire, on the other hand, was shooting Angel a hateful glare._

"Finally, something that makes SENSE in this story!" Robin exclaimed, throwing up his arms.

_And no wonder-the alien girl paled significantly compared to the beauty of Angel._

"And I think I'm gonna have to eat my words..." Robin muttered, his shoulders slumping.

_But no one was paying any attention to someone as greasy-haired, dull-eyed, ugly, unattractive, hideous, unsightly, revolting, repulsive, horrible, obnoxious, foul, and nasty as Starfire._

Everyone jumped as Starfire launched out of her seat and started firing starbolts at all the windows, her eyes blazing green.

 _"Starfire! What the heck are you doing?"_ a wide-eyed Jericho signed.

"I am doing the taking out my frustrations," she replied. "It would be better to blast the windows than you, yes?"

_"Uh..."_

"Dude! I'm glad I didn't laugh when Kid Flash read that sentence," Beast Boy said to Raven.

"Starfire would be taking out her frustrations on you instead of the windows," Raven answered dryly.

"Star, everyone knows you're not like that," Robin said, trying to calm her down. "She's just a jealous girl making things up."

Robin's words seemed to calm Starfire down. The green glow disappeared from her eyes and hands and she returned to her seat.

_Angel flashed the Titans a smile, revealing her perfectly white and straight teeth. "Hello there. I'm Angel."_

_Robin recovered from his mesmerized state and regained his authoritative air. "We're the-"_

_"Teen Titans," Angel interrupted. Politely, of course. "Starfire, Cyborg, Beast Boy, Raven, and Robin," she continued, smiling as she said Robin's name._

Starfire's eyes flashed angrily, but she said nothing.

_"Wanna become a Titan?" Robin asked Angel, offering her a Titans' communicator that he conveniently had in his pocket._

"WHAT?!" Robin, Beast Boy, Cyborg, and Starfire all yelled at the same time. Raven was just shaking her head.

_"Yes!" Angel cheered, happily accepting the communicator. And with that, Angel went with the Titans to her new home, Titans' Tower._

"Why the heck would we let a total stranger into our house, let alone on our team?" Beast Boy demanded.

"Beast Boy, dumbing down characters is convenient for Mary Sues," Raven explained calmly.

"It's the end of the chapter, anyway," Kid Flash said. "Kole's reading."

The speedster then practically threw the book at Kole before getting a seat next to Jinx.

Kole made a face. "Do I have to?"

"That's the deal," Jinx informed her.

Kole sighed. She walked over to the chair with the book as Jericho gave her a halfhearted thumbs-up.


	3. Of Angst, Slaps, and Make-Outs

_Once Angel and the Titans made it back to the Tower, Beast Boy and Cyborg went to go play videogames, Raven went to her room, and Starfire went off by herself, probably to do whatever aliens did in their spare time._

_Robin and Angel were left by themselves in the hallway._

"How convenient," Jinx muttered, rolling her eyes.

Robin tensed in his seat, dreading what would come out of the fictional Robin being alone in a deserted hallway with the Sue.

_"So, Angel, what are your powers?" the Wonder Boy asked._

"It's _Boy Wonder_ , thank you!" Robin snapped, ignoring Beast Boy and Cyborg's snickering.

_"Well," Angel began thoughtfully, "I'm super fast,_

Kid Flash mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like, "You're _not_ faster than me!"

_super strong, and super smart. I have healing powers powerful enough to raise the dead._

"Speaking of the dead," Raven interrupted, "I wonder how longwinded a death scene would be?"

"Death scene? Sues can die?" Robin asked, perking up a bit at the thought.

"Mary Sue stories end in one of two ways: they either live happily ever with their love interest, or they die," Raven explained.

"I am hopeful this Angel dies," Starfire said darkly.

"That makes two of us," Robin agreed.

 _"Count me in!"_ Jericho signed, looking like he was enjoying the thought of the Sue dying a little too much.

"Can we get back on track, people?" an annoyed Kole cut in.

_And I'm also highly skilled in martial arts. I was taught by..." Angel's melodious voice trailed off just then, the sparkle in her bright emerald green eyes dimming somewhat._

_Angel did not like remembering her past._

"Oh, here comes the angst," Raven groaned. "That can go on forever."

_She could not remember her mother, who died when she was still very young. Just about the only kind thing her father Slade had ever done for her was teach her martial arts. Not only was he a psychotic villain, but he would often beat and molest Angel. Finally, about a year or so ago, Angel had run away._

Everyone turned to look at Jericho, who was seething in near-uncontrollable rage. He took a few deep breaths before beginning to sign.

 _"My father's a lot of things: villainous, manipulative, sadistic, an insane psychopath who's partially responsible for his son being mute,"_ he signed in a relatively calm manner. _"But a child molester is not one of them. If he was, my mother would have killed him by now. And speaking of my mother, she was CERTAINLY ALIVE last time I checked, thank you very much!"_

Jericho ended his speech with an angry scowl.

"Man, has anyone ever told you how worked up you can get?" Cyborg asked after a pause. Jericho only shrugged.

"Okay, moving on!" Kole said, and continued reading.

_"What's wrong, Angel?" Robin asked, his voice and face filled with concern._

_"Nothing," Angel said softly, tears welling in her eyes, "I'm just so glad to have met you and the other Titans. If I hadn't...oh, I don't know what I would have done!"_

_The tears flowed freely down Angel's face as she found herself clinging to Robin as though he were a life preserver._

Robin shuddered at the thought of the Sue touching him in any way. Hopefully, it wouldn't get any worse...

_After holding her for some time, Robin tilted Angel's chin up, smiling gently. Angel managed to smile back through her tears. Slowly, they leaned in towards each other-_

_Only to be RUDELY interrupted by a horribly screechy voice screaming, "ROBIN!"_

Robin released the breath he hadn't known he was holding. Dodged THAT one.

_It was Starfire. And she was looking even uglier than usual with a dark scowl on her (ugly) face._

_Angel marched over to Starfire, her green eyes gleaming with fury. "How DARE you interrupt Robin and I, you monstrous lump of skin!" And with that, Angel slapped Starfire in the face. The alien burst into tears and ran off to sulk about how she wasn't as pretty as Angel and how Robin would never love her now._

Dead. Silence.

Robin's mouth was hanging open in shock, while Starfire was positively steaming.

"WHY THAT GLEMPORK!" the Tamaranean princess bellowed. "I OUGHT TO HUNT HER DOWN AND RIP HER APART LIMB FROM LIMB!"

"Starfire!" Robin exclaimed. "You can't do that. As much as we would all love to tear into her, she doesn't exist except in the mind of an insane fangirl."

Starfire groaned in aggravation, folding her arms. Kole quickly started reading again.

_Robin chuckled slightly. "Sorry about that," he said._

_Angel smiled. "Now, where were we?"_

_Robin pressed his lips to hers. Angel pulled him closer to her, deepening the kiss. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and his hands tangled through her silky hair._

"NO!" Robin hollered out suddenly, making everyone jump. "THAT IS NOT HAPPENING!"

He marched over to Kole, ripped the book out her hands and threw it at the wall...and the book bounced off of the wall and hit Jericho in the head. Jericho fell out of his seat and landed on the floor.

So now Robin had an unconscious mute boy and a hysterical crystal girl on his hands.

"You idiot!" Kole shrieked. "You just knocked him out!" She hurried to the kitchen.

Cyborg was looking at the spot where Robin had thrown the book at the wall, which didn't even have a dent in it. "You know, I'm not a wall specialist, but I'm pretty sure the book wasn't supposed to bounce back."

Kid Flash shook his head at Robin. "Seems to me like someone needs to work out his grudge issues," he said.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Robin demanded.

"You knocked out the son of your archenemy. Coincidence? I think not."

Before Robin could defend himself, Kole returned from the kitchen with a small glass of water. She poured the water on Jericho's face, who blinked his eyes open after a few seconds.

"Great, you're awake!" Kole said in relief.

"You know, Kole, you could've used CPR on him," Beast Boy teased, raising an eyebrow at the pair in amusement.

Both Jericho and Kole blushed slightly, but the latter gave Beast Boy a glare. "Well, since you seem to be enjoying this so much, you can read after I'm done," Kole said.

The amused look slipped off of Beast Boy's face. "Aw, man!" he groaned.

"You asked for it!" Kole retorted as she picked up the book and headed back to the chair.

"Well, let's see..." she muttered as she found where she had left off at. Kole's eyes widened. "This make-out session goes on for, like, ELEVEN paragraphs!" She looked up at the others.

"Please skip it," Robin begged. "I don't think my sanity can handle it."

"Oh, trust me, Robin," Raven said, "it'll just get worse before it gets better."

"And I doubt it's ever getting better," Jinx added.

_After several minutes, Robin and Angel broke out of their magical, intense, amazing, wonderful, beautiful, excellent make-out session._

"Not to mention good." Beast Boy smirked.

"Shut up, Beast Boy," Kole snapped irritably.

_"I love you," Robin whispered._

_"I love you, too," Angel whispered back._

"Finished!" Kole crowed, leaping out of the chair. She went over to Beast Boy and dropped the book into his lap before sitting down next to Jericho.

"Good luck, Beast Boy!" Kole said in a too-sweet voice. The changeling gulped.


	4. Various States of Agony

_After a week of living in Titans' Tower, Angel settled in nicely, almost as if she had been there since the Titans first began._

Robin, Starfire, Cyborg, and Raven snorted in unison.

_She played videogames with Cyborg and Beast Boy (beating both of them in every round),_

"Anyone can beat Beast Boy at a game," Cyborg said, ignoring his green friend's glare, "but _no one_ can beat me!"

_meditated with Raven, helped the Titans defeat any and all criminals,_

"It's more likely she upstages us," Raven said. "Sues usually do."

"Here's something I just thought of," Cyborg interrupted. "What are BB, Raven, and I? Chopped liver? We're barely in this story!"

"Consider it a compliment," Kid Flash told him with a smile.

"You're just so happy because this idiot of an author doesn't seem to know you even exist!" Robin grumbled.

"Exactly!" Kid Flash's smile broadened.

"Come to think of it, Jinx, Jericho, and I aren't mentioned either," Kole mused thoughtfully.

"That _is_ a relief," Jinx said.

 _"I never knew it could feel this good to be completely ignored,"_ Jericho signed.

"Okay, is everyone finished?" Beast Boy demanded irritably.

_and spent as much time with Robin as she possibly could. Angel also went with Starfire to the mall. Just to be polite, of course; Starfire had a crappy fashion sense._

Starfire twitched. "I do not know what this 'crappy' is, but I am certain I do not like it."

_One night, Robin and Angel were sparring in the gym. Within five minutes, Angel had knocked Robin onto his back and was on top of him._

Robin went as pale as a sheet. "This is not good."

Jericho looked at him. _"Are you always this paranoid?"_ he asked.

"Aw, shut it, pretty boy!" Robin snapped as the color came back to his face.

Jericho raised an eyebrow. _"Never heard that one before,"_ he signed dryly.

_The two blushed furiously as they realized their positions. Angel felt a sudden burning surge through her body. Her deep emerald eyes met with Robin's masked ones, and she wondered if he was thinking the same thing she was._

"Oh no." Raven's eyes widened a bit as she realized what Robin was worrying about.

_Evidently, he was. Robin and Angel slowly got to their feet, his hands on her shoulders._

_"Angel...are you sure?" he asked hesitantly._

_"Yes, I'm sure," Angel replied with confidence._

_"Really?"_

_"Really."_

_Robin picked Angel up bridal style and they hurried to his room._

"Beast Boy, if you have any decency in you, you will NOT read this!" Robin pleaded, perfectly willing to go on his hands and knees if he had to.

Beast Boy grinned evilly, ignoring his leader. He glanced at the next several pages. "This little scene goes on for..." his eyes nearly bugged out, "twenty pages?! _Dude_!"

By this time, everyone had realized what was about to happen.

"Beast Boy, I don't think that's a good idea," Kid Flash said nervously.

"Man, no one wants to hear about what Robin's like in the bedroom!" Cyborg exclaimed.

"I most certainly do not wish to hear it!" Starfire growled.

Everyone spent the next couple of minutes trying to convince Beast Boy to skip the scene. After many pleadings (and quite a few threats), Beast Boy decided he'd had enough.

"Hey! I'm the one who's having to skim this garbage!" he shouted, glaring. "If I hafta suffer through this, I'm taking you all with me!"

And Beast Boy proceeded to read aloud (very loudly, might I add) a very graphic bedroom scene that sounded like it had been plagiarized from a romance novel. By the time he was finished, the others were in various states of agony.

Jericho had clamped his hands over his ears and looked like he was breathing hard through his nose. Kole looked as though she didn't know how to react exactly, but her mouth had dropped open. Kid Flash had turned an interesting shade of green after a particularly bad description and had raced off to find the bathroom. Jinx was yelling something about her ears and threatening to hex Beast Boy into oblivion. Cyborg was bashing his head up against the wall, trying to knock himself out. Raven's eyes were the size of dinner plates, her jaw nearly reached the floor, and her face was even paler than usual.

As for Robin and Starfire...well, no one would have wanted to touch Starfire with a ten-foot pole. She was beyond livid; it was a wonder that her seat hadn't burst into flames. She flew out of her seat and started punching and kicking the walls, leaving dents in her wake. Then she sank to her knees and started beating the floor with her fists, screaming and cursing in Tamaranean. Robin was in the fetal position, frozen in his seat, white-faced and whimpering. Oh, if only Batman could see him now.

Beast Boy looked around at his mentally scarred friends, and promptly roared in maniacal laughter.

Raven glared at him coldly. "Garfield Logan," she began, addressing Beast Boy by his real name, "that was entirely uncalled for."

"And it was _mean_ ," Cyborg added, returning to his seat.

Beast Boy's laughter subsided. "But you gotta admit, it _was_ interesting!"

Jinx shook her head. "The Jump City therapists are going to have their hands full after this is over."

"Is it over?" Kid Flash, who had just appeared at the doorway, asked weakly.

Jinx nodded, and as Kid Flash went back to his seat, she continued. "I lay down a new rule: the person reading does not read the...'scenes,' just skims them to see where they end."

"And I am most hopeful there will not be any more," Starfire, who was on her way to getting a hold of herself, said.

Silence fell on the group for a while. Finally, Cyborg suggested, "How about we all go get some pizza?"

Robin brightened up significantly. "That's the best idea I've heard all day."

And with that, the nine Titans rushed out of the Tower to get some lunch.


	5. Slade's Plot and Long Death Scenes

After an hour at the pizzeria (in which half the time was spent on eating pizza, and the other half was spent on becoming relatively sane), the group of readers reluctantly trudged back into the living room of Titans' Tower.

"You know," Robin began hopefully, "we don't have to read the rest of the story."

"Hmm...nice try," Cyborg said as he picked up the book and sat down in the chair.

"DO YOU ALL HATE ME OR SOMETHING?!" Robin screamed suddenly, catching everyone off guard.

"Listen, man," Cyborg said patiently, talking to Robin as though he were an overemotional five-year-old, "the sooner we finish it, the sooner it'll be over, and the sooner we can get back to normal."

"Define 'normal,'" Raven mumbled.

_Meanwhile, far away from Titans' Tower, Slade was in his secret lair._

"One sentence in, and no mention of the Sue?" Robin interrupted, his eyes going wide. "Instead we're talking about Slade in his secret lair?"

Robin paused for a second, then, without warning, jumped from his seat with a whoop and started dancing crazily.

Everyone else stared as the usually very composed Boy Wonder made an idiot of himself. It was certainly a testimony to the fact that Robin was on the brink of snapping-after all, since when was he EVER happy at the mention of Slade?

After a few minutes of his unexpected dancing, Robin sat back down, a grin still on his face. A concerned Starfire put a hand on his shoulder.

_He had been spying on the Titans via security cameras. Particularly the new Titan, Angel._

"Why does that sound so wrong?" Beast Boy asked with hesitancy in his voice; he thought he saw Jericho twitching.

_Slade smiled evilly. He had a plan for Angel._

_"Ooh, does this plan involve nanoscopic torture devices being injected into her body and a slow and horribly painful death from the inside out?"_ Jericho signed eagerly, a maniacal gleam in his eyes. _"If so, I might go easy on the hate mail on Father's Day."_

Everyone sweatdropped and scooted away from Jericho. If Robin was losing it, then Jericho was seriously losing it.

_She was going to be his new apprentice._

Jericho frowned. _"That's almost a letdown after my talk about torture devices."_

Kole shook her head. "I'm not sleeping anywhere near you tonight," she muttered.

"What was that?" Beast Boy asked.

"Nothing!"

_Angel woke up the next morning to the sun shining brightly from the window. She blushed prettily as she thought about the "activities" of last night._

"And we don't need to be reminded," Raven said as everyone either paled, turned green, or groaned in pain.

_It really was a lovely day outside (not as lovely as Angel, of course), so she decided to go out on the rocky beach that surrounded the Tower._

_Ten minutes later, Angel was outside, happily swimming in the warm ocean water. Robin was up on the Tower's roof, watching Angel with a content smile on his face._

"Peeping tom!" Kid Flash coughed. Robin just glared.

_But then an ocean wave suddenly crashed into Angel, pushing her face first into the water. Robin gasped when Angel didn't resurface._

"So she is drowning?" Starfire piped up, looking cheerful for the first time in awhile.

"Let's hope so," Robin said.

_He hurried outside and he found Angel's motionless body washed up on shore. Her skin had become as white as porcelain._

Raven snorted. "Leave it to a Suethor to have flattering descriptions of their Sues even when it looks like they're going to die."

Needless to say, everyone was excited at the prospect of the Sue dying.

_Robin gathered Angel up in his arms. "Oh, Angel, please don't be dead!" he whispered._

"No, go right ahead and die, please!" the REAL Robin practically shouted.

_It was then that Robin noticed a bleeding bullet wound in Angel's shoulder, no doubt caused by a Slade-bot._

"Yo! Where the heck did _that_ come from?" Cyborg interrupted himself.

 _"How can there be Slade-bots anywhere near Titans' Tower and_ not _be spotted?"_ Jericho asked in disbelief.

"I thought we established that logic took a vacation when it comes to this story," Jinx said.

 _"I'm just trying to keep my sanity,"_ Jericho signed defensively. _"You don't want me going insane, do you?"_

"Considering the fact that your father's a psychopath, I doubt you had much sanity to begin with," Robin said.

Jericho scowled. _"Hey, just because my dad's crazy doesn't mean I am."_

"You were the one signing about nanoscopic torture devices!"

_"And there's no one in this room who DOESN'T want the stupid Mary Sue dead. What's your point?"_

Before Robin could think of anything to say, Cyborg chose this moment to continue reading.

_Angel's eyes slowly fluttered open._

_Robin's heart leapt. "You're alive!"_

"NO!" Robin screamed.

_Angel smiled weakly. "For now," she said softly._

_"What do you mean?"_

_"I know I'm about to die."_

"YES!" Robin cheered.

_"I can get you to the medical bay!" Robin protested. "Just hold on!"_

"NO!" Robin screamed again.

"Man, chill!" Cyborg snapped.

_Angel winced in pain, and tears formed in her beautiful emerald eyes. "I'm sorry, Robin..." she said slowly. "Do you remember when we first met?"_

_"Yeah," Robin breathed faintly. "I had thought I was dreaming. You were the most beautiful person I had ever seen."_

_"It's a shame we never got to get married," Angel said quietly, her voice hardly above a whisper. "Our wedding would have been beautiful."_

By now, Cyborg was shaking his head. "I can't believe what I'm reading!" he exclaimed.

No one answered him. They had all become speechless at the ridiculousness of the whole thing.

_"Oh, Angel! You can't die!" Robin cried, his mask becoming damp with tears._

_Angel's own tears started to slip down her face. "I'm so sorry, Robin. But apparently my time in this life is drawing to a close."_

_Her skin turned even whiter, her breath hitched ever so slightly, and her eyes were beginning to cloud over._

"Yeah, she would really be dead right now," Jinx huffed. Honestly, she was looking forward to the Sue's death as much as anyone else, but she was sure taking her sweet time about it.

_"Robin...I have one last request."_

_"Yes, what is it?"_

_"Let me see you...without your mask."_

"Great, more stalling," Beast Boy grumbled.

_Without a word, Robin peeled his mask away from his eyes. And Angel gasped softly at the sight._

_Robin's eyes were blue, the most dazzling blue Angel had ever seen. His eyes were a deep sapphire color, as though the ocean and sky themselves had been poured into them._

_"So beautiful..." Angel murmured. "I love you, Robin."_

_"And I love you."_

_Angel smiled gently as she felt her life ending. "I'm glad I got to spent my last moments with you. Good...bye..."_

" _No! Don't go!" Robin cried._

_Still smiling, Angel closed her eyes as life at last fled from her perfect body. They never opened again, and Robin was left shaking with sobs._

"So, she's finally dead now?" Beast Boy asked.

"Looks like it," Kid Flash answered.

There was a momentary pause, then-

" _YAY_!"

The cheers that erupted at Titans' Tower were heard in Jump City, and the civilians wondered what the heck was making such a racket.


	6. Crap, She's Back!

All nine Titans were currently having a PARTY! Kid Flash was busy zooming in and out of the Tower, getting food and sodas. Cyborg and Beast Boy were trying to decide what music should be playing. Robin had taken Starfire by the arm and they were now dancing together. Kole giggled as Jericho twirled her around.

Raven let a small smile appear on her face. "I guess I should enjoy it while it lasts," she said, "because the Sue is most likely coming back."

Everyone froze, staring at Raven.

"Coming back?" Jinx repeated.

"Did you honestly think she would stay dead?" Raven asked.

"Well, yeah, because that's what dead people do!" Kid Flash, who had suddenly lost his appetite, exclaimed.

Raven shook her head in pity. "You're so naïve. Sues are not only perfect in every way, but they're also pretty much unstoppable."

Robin paled. "Isn't there any way the Sue can die?"

"That's a good question," Cyborg said.

"I _really_ want to hurt her," Jinx muttered.

"You're not thinking like a Titan, Jinx," Kid Flash told her.

 _"Yeah, a Titan would want to kill her,"_ Jericho signed.

Raven rolled her eyes, then took the dreaded pink book and went to the chair as the others settled in their seats on the couch.

_Sweet relief was what Angel felt as death took her, and now all she could see was a brilliant white light surrounding her._

_Angel slowly got to her feet, looking around at the infinite white light. "Where am I?" she asked softly._

_Realizing that she was alone and would never see Robin again,_

"If only that were true," Robin griped, glaring at the book.

_Angel sank to her knees, tears spilling down her face._

_"Fear not, child," an ethereal voice spoke. "Your time in the living world is not yet over."_

_"Who are you?" Angel questioned._

_"That does not matter," said the voice. "What matters is that you are still needed in the living world. You are to aid the Titans in defeating Slade, who wants you as his apprentice."_

_"I'm nothing like him," Angel said fiercely, her blood running cold at the thought of her father._

"Are you gonna comment on that?" Kole asked Jericho.

The mute boy didn't respond. He looked about ready to give up.

_"Of course you're not," replied the voice. "Now, are you ready to be alive again?"_

_"Yes!" Angel smiled._

"I'm not!" Robin grumbled.

_It had been three days since Angel's death. Robin was brooding even more than usual, he was so depressed. He barely ate, slept, or even breathed, such was his overwhelming grief._

"Wow, the fictional Robin is really stupid," Beast Boy remarked.

_To make things worse, Starfire was badgering him to move on._

Starfire muttered a few choice words under her breath.

_"She is dead!" Starfire was now saying to Robin as they were on the roof of the Tower. "You must move on and not spend your life in mourning."_

_Just then, a bright light appeared, and lo and behold! It was Angel!_

Everyone groaned in unison.

_Robin stared at this wondrous apparition, seeming to forget that Starfire was still there. With a cry, he hurried over to Angel and threw his arms around her._

_"Oh, Angel! You've come back! It's been a waking nightmare without you! Now I can go on living!"_

Kid Flash went a little green in the face. "I think I'm gonna be sick. Again."

_Starfire retreated back into the Tower, grumbling about how she would never be as pretty or as desirable as Angel._

"I suppose so," Starfire said in an uncharacteristically sarcastic voice, "if what one likes are vain, rude, attention-seeking, shallow, idiotic glemporks!" She ended the sentence with a snarl.

"Dude, she really scares me," Beast Boy whispered to Cyborg, who nodded in agreement.

_Angel and Robin gazed at each other, her emerald green eyes clashing with his masked ones. Their lips met in a passionate kiss, something they didn't think they would share again._

_As the seconds passed, the physical intimacy between the lovers grew..._

"And they're on the Tower's _roof_?!" Jinx exclaimed incredulously.

 _"That's disgusting, don't SAY that!"_ Jericho signed frantically. He covered his ears with his hands for good measure.

Robin was rambling nonsense to himself, a look on his face that clearly said, "Not again!"

"Guys, calm down," Raven said. "There's no questionable scene, just a note from the author."

The others stared at her. _That_ was a curveball they hadn't expected.

"There's no questionable scene?" Robin echoed.

"She's getting soft," Cyborg mused.

"Or maybe something else is..." Beast Boy smirked.

"BEAST BOY, YOU PERVERT!" Kole shouted.

 _Smack_!

"Ow! Jeeze, Kole, that hurt!" Beast Boy glared, putting a hand to the side of his face where Kole had slapped him.

Kole just sniffed as she sat back down, de-crystallizing her hand.

_A/N: Lyke, hi! Becuz of the NC-17 material in this scene, I had to cut it out. But if u want to read it, lyke, try my livejournal! Tee hee! Love, RobinLuvver34!_

The readers present weren't sure whether to feel relieved that they were spared from another disturbingly mind-scarring sex scene or afraid that the personality of the Suethor had been revealed at last.


	7. An Interlude by the Fake Robin

Raven glanced at the next page and looked up at the others.

"The next chapter is an interlude by Robin," she said. "I think it's only fitting that he read it."

Robin scoffed. "Nice try."

Jericho looked thoughtful. _"Actually, that's not a bad idea."_

When everyone else (expect Starfire) agreed that Robin should read, the Boy Wonder very reluctantly took the Book of Doom from Raven and sat down in the Chair of Doom, grumbling something about Slade-spawned pretty boys dying first.

_Robin's POV_

_How do I love Angel? Let me count the ways._

"That's original," Raven said sarcastically.

"A list of the ways we hate Angel would be a lot longer," Jinx commented.

_From the moment I first saw her, I knew it was meant to be._

_Her wavy hair falls to her mid-back in chocolate brown waves. Her bright green eyes shine like emeralds, and they seem to sparkle when she's happy. Her eyes are even more expressive than Starfire's._

"Now, Star, before you kill me, I just want to say that this guy's a pansy and is NOT ME!" Robin exclaimed, seeing as Starfire looked like she wanted to murder him.

The Tamaranean princess merely let out an angry breath.

_Whenever Angel isn't around, I feel an emptiness that's almost painful._

"And when she actually _is_ around," Robin added, "she makes me want to puke things I've never even eaten. And that's painful."

"Stick to the story, Bird Boy," Jinx said.

_She lights up the darkness that's been my life. She's kind to everyone around her. Beast Boy and Cyborg love her like they would a sister._

"As if!" Beast Boy and Cyborg both yelled. Starfire, who was pulling at her own hair, looked as though she didn't know whether to scream or cry.

_Even Raven, as reclusive as she is, cares about Angel as if she's family._

Raven snorted.

_Angel's only been a Titan for a short while, but she fits right in. Even if she is the daughter of Slade,_

Jericho let out a long and imaginative string of curses.

_she is the very incarnation of light and purity._

"I seriously doubt that," Kid Flash deadpanned.

_Her death won't even be talked about, because she was able to come back. I'm glad she'll still be with the Titans for a long time._

_Angel is tenderhearted and cares about everyone. She is as beautiful as they come. She is a brilliant fighter and excellent at battle strategy. She cooks better than Cyborg._

"WHAT?" Cyborg screeched.

_She is intelligent, empathetic, and humorous. She seems to know when something's bothering me and always wants to make me feel better._

"Now _that's_ something that can be taken out of context!" Kole said.

_And most importantly, Angel is completely and utterly selfless._

"YEAH RIGHT!" everyone chorused.

_She is truly a gift from the powers that be. She is lovely, powerful, and just about perfect in every way. Our lives will never be the same without her. She had changed us all._

"And not in a good way," Jinx muttered.

_And I love her._

And with that, Robin threw the book to the ground and had to be restrained by Cyborg, Kid Flash, and Jericho from banging his head against the wall.


	8. The Ending and Lessons Learned

Starfire picked up the book and sat down in the chair. Her face brightened significantly and she looked up at the others.

"We are near to the end!" she cheered.

Everyone let out a sigh of relief.

_Angel started as the Tower's alarm system went off. The other Titans rushed into the living room and Robin went to the computer._

_His face was grim. "It's Slade."_

_"This ought to be good,"_ Jericho signed. No one could tell if it was sarcasm or not.

_Once everyone got to the place where Slade had been located,_

" _That_ was a gap in the storytelling," Kid Flash remarked.

_they were immediately surrounded by Slade-bots._

_After Robin had cried out his signature "Titans, go!" they proceeded to fight the bots. Needless to say, Angel was taking down a LOT of them._

"What did I tell you about upstaging everyone?" Raven said. "Wonder if that translates to the Sue taking down all of them..."

Starfire's eyes seemed to smolder with anger as she read what came next.

_Starfire, as stupid as she was, managed to get herself killed by one of the Slade-bots. No one was sad, and it served her right._

The Tamaranean looked up at the others, daring them to comment. Or laugh. Or even breathe.

Luckily for our dear readers, none of them were dumb enough to give Starfire a reason to starbolt them into next week.

_Once all the Slade-bots were destroyed, Slade decided to step out of the shadows._

_"Give me the girl," Slade said, eyeing Angel evilly. "She's to be my new apprentice."_

_"Over my dead body," Angel hissed. "You won't take me alive."_

"And again, are BB, Raven, and I chopped liver?" Cyborg interrupted.

"Cyborg, be GLAD you're barely in it!" Robin snapped.

_Then there was a battle between the Titans and Slade. The minutes passed in a flurry of blows, dark energy, blasts, and green animals. At the end of it all, Slade was defeated (at least temporarily), and Angel and the Titans (except Starfire, she was dead) went back home._

"Dude, she really doesn't know how to write a fight scene!" Beast Boy exclaimed.

"And you're actually surprised?" Kole asked, raising an eyebrow.

_A few hours later, Angel was watching the night sky from one of the windows in the living room. Robin came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her slim waist._

_Angel leaned into her Boy Wonder and smiled softly in content. Tomorrow would be a new day, and she could hardly wait for what it would bring._

"And that is the end of the book!" Starfire proclaimed. She slammed the book to the floor. "And good riddance!"

There was a momentary pause.

"Well," Raven began, "that was an incredible waste of time."

Cyborg looked thoughtful. "Maybe not," he said. "I mean, we've learned that Jericho is in serious need of a shrink..."

 _"Hey!"_ Jericho protested.

"Starfire can be scary when she wants to be..."

"Yes indeed," Starfire said proudly, nodding her head.

"So can Jinx and Kole, for that matter..."

The two pink-haired girls high-fived.

"Raven seriously knows how to put a damper on celebrations..."

"I'm the voice of reason," Raven commented dryly.

"Kole gets pretty defensive when you say something about her and Jericho..."

"I do not!" Kole contradicted, looking defensive.

Beast Boy smirked. Jericho just looked confused.

Cyborg continued. "Kid Flash gets sick easily..."

Kid Flash stared at the half robot incredulously. "Weren't you _listening_ to that smut Beast Boy made us listen to?" he demanded.

Cyborg ignored him. "It's possible for Robin to be scarred for life..."

Robin whimpered in affirmative, his face a little pale.

"Beast Boy has a really evil mind..."

Everyone turned to glare at Beast Boy, who laughed nervously.

Cyborg shrugged. "Looks like I'm the only normal one," he concluded.

"So..." Kid Flash said slowly, "what do you say about doing what we should have done in the first place and burning this thing?" He pointed at the book.

"YES!" was the obvious reply.

Seconds later, Kid Flash had gotten firewood and had made the fire. He also bothered to get nine long sticks, one for each Titan, and a big bag of marshmallows.

"Might as well have something to eat," the speedster said.

Robin had the honor of tossing the horrible pink book into the fire. The Titans gathered around to toast marshmallows and watch happily as the burning Mary Sue fanfic dissolved into ashes.

**The End!**


	9. Epilogue

The nine Titans wasted no time in rushing to the office of Jump City's official shrink (this was _after_ the fire had gone out and the toasted marshmallows were eaten). Once there, all the shrink was able to get out of the Titans was that they had recently gone through what they called "a trauma." The shrink had them write about their experience on sheets of paper.

Now, the Titans had left, and the shrink was reading what they had written, shaking her head every so often.

"What are you reading?" the shrink's assistant, who had just walked into the office, asked.

"What the Titans wrote about an apparently traumatic experience," the shrink replied, not looking up. "It's quite disturbing, actually."

The assistant took the papers off the desk and began to read them.

**_Raven:_ ** _I really ought to know better if a book is bad news. Next time I find an outrageously pink book in my room, I'm just throwing it out the window, whether it actually has dark magic in it or not._

**_Kid Flash:_ ** _Never trust anything that's pink-the consequences will be severe, if not fatal. Unless of course, you have a significant other who has pink hair and pink eyes, that's totally different._

**_Jinx:_ ** _I was converted to the good side just in time to have my sanity thrown out the window, thanks to the crappiest story I've ever had the displeasure of reading. I'm starting to wonder if being a Titan is even worth it._

**_Kole:_ ** _I don't think I'm going to be able to read another story for a long time after the insanity I've seen. And it's probably going to be a while before I can be in the same room as a certain crazy Boy Wonder who knocks out my NOT-boyfriend._

**_Cyborg:_ ** _I'm surrounded by crazy people._

**_Jericho:_ ** _Some girl who doesn't even exist claimed to be related to me. In the last couple of hours, I've blabbed about my parentage, signed a lot of cuss words, and wished the fictional girl would die a very violent death. If people thought I was crazy before, they have no idea how insane I am after listening to that Suefic. I hope my dad's happy about this._

**_Beast Boy:_ ** _I used to think that the world would be screwed without heroes. But now that I've seen how capable we are of being a crazed bunch of lunatics, I'm thinking we're all screwed._

**_Starfire:_ ** _This "Mary Sue" did the stealing of Robin from me, did most horribly unspeakable things to him, insulted me without mercy, and did the killing me off at the end. It is apparent we have the issues to speak about._

**_Robin:_ ** _I've been scarred for life! I knew that book had it in for me! I'm a victim of a Mary Sue!_

"What exactly happened to these kids?" the assistant asked after she had finished reading, her eyes wide.

The shrink sighed. "I'm sure I'll find out, much sooner than I would like."

**_Really_ ** **The End**


End file.
